I’ve lost many loves in my life, but none like this one. This pain is pure pain, with no anger or regret. Just overwhelming sadness.
My Danny Boy passed from this life Tuesday, December 27, 2022. He was 12-years old, and the best boy a dog-mom could ask for. I’m devastated.
Danny is my Best Friend, comfort, and constant companion. I’ve almost lost him three other times, but God spared his life for my sake. Why he didn’t spare him this time, I don’t know.
I was holding him for a good 30 minutes before his breathing changed and we were putting him into the oxygen tank. I was petting him and talking to him gently, and he passed. I called the doctor. She was surprised. She checked him and confirmed my greatest fear.
I started wailing. She asked me if she should bring him back. I said yes. So she did. She told me he was having agonal breaths, that he wasn’t really back. But then she checked again and said, no he’s here. He’s breathing. She took the tube out of his nose that she was going to use to feed him.
I held him again for 20 minutes or more, sitting with my parents, singing, holding him. We started to cry out, and so did Danny. He was trying to bark, but it seemed he may have had a stroke, or was struggling to breathe.
I was concerned and wanted him to have space. I took him back out to the doctor and we were taking him back to the oxygen tank, rerouted to an oxygen mask, he started to calm down again breathing.
I talked to him again. I was calm. He relaxed as I told him he was a good boy, and that I loved him. I kept talking to him, and he passed again.
I could tell he was gone, and my heart was broken. The doctor confirmed. I picked him up and held him, my baby. I held him right there in the office, and then I took him back to the room where my parents were.
I sat there holding him, rocking him. My mom held him some. I held him for hours. Crying. Praying. Grieving. He was laying on me just as he was when I was holding him before he passed the first time. Like a sweet baby resting on his mommy.
I didn’t want to let him go. I couldn’t. My parents left. I was there alone. I bathed him. I held him as I lay on the floor. I rocked him. I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t think about leaving him in the room alone. I couldn’t walk out with him in my arms to my car. I couldn’t do anything but hold him and cry.
I called my sister. She came about an hour later. She held him. I went to the bathroom. I prayed about what to do. I came back and held him again.
My sister was the only one I could hand him off to. She held him and I kissed him. Then I called for the tech. She came. It was a sweet girl who had shared with me earlier. I said, “I’m glad it’s you.” I hugged her. Then I kissed my baby again, leaving him in my sister’s arms as I walked into the hallway closing the door behind me.
She joined me and we walked out. I stood at the edge of a dark field, looking up at the night sky and the stars that were just beyond the trees. I prayed for peace. I felt connected to Creator as the tears fell.
I climbed into the car and we went to a nearby hotel. I climbed in bed fully dressed and cried throughout the night.
Nothing has felt right since. There’s a huge hole in my life. I feel sick all of the time. I wake up with night terrors. I wake up crying. I take medication and I sleep. I become angry and quickly go back to sadness.
I don’t want to turn off any lights. I don’t want the sun to set. I don’t want to close my eyes.
But I did, and last night I dreamt of a little boy. A human boy who was about 5 or 6 years old. He was looking up at me. I was his mommy. He had brown hair and brown eyes. He looked at me and started telling me memories of times we had together. But these were memories that he shouldn’t have known. Only Danny would know those things. The child in my dream was my Danny, reincarnated as my human child.
Though God answered my prayer to be with Danny when he passed, and though Danny came back for 20 minutes or so, and though I had this dream… None of it has calmed my heart. Maybe these things will continue and one day I will find peace. But for now, I look at my pictures with a broken heart and long for the day when I will be in Heaven with my little love.